Gaslighting: Know It and Identify It to Protect Yourself

Stephanie Sarkis Ph.D.Here, There, and Everywhere

Gaslighting: Know It and Identify It to Protect Yourself

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic used to gain power. And it works too well.

Posted Jan 22, 2017

Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn't realize how much they've been brainwashed. For example, in the movie Gaslight (1944), a man manipulates his wife to the point where she thinks she is losing her mind. 

People who gaslight typically use the following techniques:  

1. They tell blatant lies.

You know it's an outright lie. Yet they are telling you this lie with a straight face. Why are they so blatant? Because they're setting up a precedent. Once they tell you a huge lie, you're not sure if anything they say is true. Keeping you unsteady and off-kilter is the goal. 

2. They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof. 

You know they said they would do something; you know you heard it. But they out and out deny it. It makes you start questioning your reality—maybe they never said that thing. And the more they do this, the more you question your reality and start accepting theirs. 

3. They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition. 

They know how important your kids are to you, and they know how important your identityis to you. So those may be one of the first things they attack. If you have kids, they tell you that you should not have had those children. They will tell you'd be a worthy person if only you didn't have a long list of negative traits. They attack the foundation of your being. 

4. They wear you down over time.

This is one of the insidious things about gaslighting—it is done gradually, over time. A lie here, a lie there, a snide comment every so often...and then it starts ramping up. Even the brightest, most self-aware people can be sucked into gaslighting—it is that effective. It's the "frog in the frying pan" analogy: The heat is turned up slowly, so the frog never realizes what's happening to it. 

5. Their actions do not match their words.

When dealing with a person or entity that gaslights, look at what they are doing rather than what they are saying. What they are saying means nothing; it is just talk. What they are doing is the issue. 

6. They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you. 

This person or entity that is cutting you down, telling you that you don't have value, is now praising you for something you did. This adds an additional sense of uneasiness. You think, "Well maybe they aren't so bad." Yes, they are. This is a calculated attempt to keep you off-kilter—and again, to question your reality. Also look at what you were praised for; it is probably something that served the gaslighter. 

7. They know confusion weakens people. 

Gaslighters know that people like having a sense of stability and normalcy. Their goal is to uproot this and make you constantly question everything. And humans' natural tendency is to look to the person or entity that will help you feel more stable—and that happens to be the gaslighter.  

8. They project.

They are a drug user or a cheater, yet they are constantly accusing you of that. This is done so often that you start trying to defend yourself, and are distracted from the gaslighter's own behavior. 

9. They try to align people against you.

Gaslighters are masters at manipulating and finding the people they know will stand by them no matter what—and they use these people against you. They will make comments such as, "This person knows that you're not right," or "This person knows you're useless too." Keep in mind it does not mean that these people actually said these things. A gaslighter is a constant liar. When the gaslighter uses this tactic it makes you feel like you don't know who to trust or turn to—and that leads you right back to the gaslighter. And that's exactly what they want: Isolation gives them more control.  

Source: StockLite/Shutterstock

10. They tell you or others that you are crazy.

This is one of the most effective tools of the gaslighter, because it's dismissive. The gaslighter knows if they question your sanity, people will not believe you when you tell them the gaslighter is abusive or out-of-control. It's a master technique.  

11. They tell you everyone else is a liar.

By telling you that everyone else (your family, the media) is a liar, it again makes you question your reality. You've never known someone with the audacity to do this, so they must be telling the truth, right? No. It's a manipulation technique. It makes people turn to the gaslighter for the "correct" information—which isn't correct information at all.

The more you are aware of these techniques, the quicker you can identify them and avoid falling into the gaslighter's trap.  

Do You Suffer From Election Stress Disorder?

Do You Suffer From Election Stress Disorder?

Politics in the wrong part of the brain

National elections are tough times for those of us with a bi-partisan nature. They’re even worse for therapists who try to help people access the Adult brain under stress. (That’s the prefrontal cortex, which regulates impulses and carries out our more profound and humane cognitive functions.) Staying in the Adult brain consistently is hard enough during non-election years. Under stress, the Toddler brain (emotional, all-or-nothing, “Mine! No!”) hijacks the Adult brain, impairing its ability to take other perspectives, weigh evidence, see nuance, plan for the future, and create value and meaning. The Toddler brain is highly susceptible to emotional contagion; toddlers take on whatever negative emotions are around them, as any parent who has been tense or irritable near one can attest.

It seems that in every election, poles remind us that the public is fed up with negative campaigning and endless, misleading advertising. We're appalled at the costs of election cycles, which doubles that of the Civil War, with a duration that exceeds America’s participation in World War I. The military words, "campaign" and “war chest” aptly describe political contests; the first casualty in war and politics is truth.

The maelstrom of the current election has been personal for me, as my dearest friends are at opposite sides of the political spectrum. My inbox is bombarded by negative points about the policies and characters of both candidates. Passionate arguments that would not, to be kind, pass peer review on their merits are put forth by good and bright people.

I understand that certainty is an emotional, not an intellectual state that requires limiting the amount of information considered. And of course political campaigns are designed to exploit bias rather than expose it. Still, I wonder how candidates can seem entirely certain about enormously complex problems. Well, I shouldn’t wonder. Few endeavors can be more stressful than running for president. Under stress most of us retreat to the Toddler brain, where we fall prey to all-or-nothing thinking and employ the Toddler coping mechanisms of blame, denial, and avoidance.

Part of my election stress disorder may be due to the fact that I'm vastly overworked. National elections jam-pack our boot camps for couples who suffer from resentment, anger, or emotional abuse. Many people download the negativity of their environment and take it out on the closest people to them. A web of emotion connects us all, and did so long before the Internet became its national conduit. Political campaigns set the web of emotion ablaze with negativity.

My great hope is that one day politicians will embrace an inconvenient truth. To make the country stronger, we must be compassionate to the people closest to us, respect the people we encounter, tolerate differences among all people, and allow a little light to spread through the web of emotion. We either send out respect and good will from the Adult brain or download resentment and anger into the Toddler brain.

Original article here

Black Americans and Government Dependency

Kenneth Durden: "Rep. Joe Walsh Is Right About Black Americans & Government Dependency"

Rep. Joe Walsh

I don't see the big fuss here either, because Rep. Walsh is telling the truth. The fact remains that most African Americans are dependent on the government largesse in some form: working for the government (22%), welfare (12%), or Social Security/disability benefits (24%). That means that almost 60% fall into Rep. Walsh's category. The only change that I'd have made is to add that the Democratic Party's goal is increasingly for everyone — across race — to revel in envy politics and be dependent on government. Anyway, Mr. Durden, a libertarian-conservative blogger, opines about the controversy: "Rep. Joe Walsh (R-IL) is catching hell for saying that Democrats want Hispanics dependent on government 'like black people.' It's easy to be offended by what Walsh said, but in a way, he's right. Okay, pick up your chin off the floor. While there may be some Democrats and leftists/Socialists who believe in a simple safety net, there are many others who want an expansive welfare state so they can maintain power. ALL politicians (right and left) know that by promising more, they can maintain their power."

He continues his commentary: "Democrats know they have the loyalty of Fido when it comes to black people. They need to tap into the largest minority group. If Hispanic/Latino people embrace the notion of 3-jobs-or-whatever-it-takes like black people used to do, then Democrats can offer them little. Make a man a victim, then pretend to be his hero. You have his loyalty."


Communication is one of the most discussed issues that affect couples and families.  After reading the above article -- how do you feel? How does truth, communication and openness play a role in this?